I have made it back for my second blog post of 2022! While I wish I could tell you it was an easy venture back, it was not. Originally, I planned to blog monthly about all sorts of topics including marriage, mom life, and healthy living. Maybe I will some day, but as I began to draft my next blog post something just wasn’t sitting right. Maybe it would be easy to write about those topics, but that isn’t the goal of this blog. This blog is meant to be written in obedience to God and if I force topics, I know I will be out of that will. I’ve hesitated to write this particular post because I know it opens up a host of judgemental eyes. However, if I can help one person, it’s all worth it. Essentially, I felt called to write a part two to my blog “Resolve for Better”.
I knew I could either stop that particular blog post there and let my readers take a wild guess on my next steps on my mental health journey, or I could be open and honest while also using my blog as a form of accountability to resolve for better. I have chosen the latter and have chosen to write about how my antidepressant has changed my life for the better. So how have I gotten here? To the point where I can make this statement so confidently? Let’s start from where we last left off.
After making the doctors appointment, the day came where I actually had to go. I was beyond anxious with anticipation of what she was going to tell me when I explained what I had been experiencing for so long. The appointment seemed so long yet, so fast all at the same time. I explained to the nurse all of my anxiety symptoms. After my pre screening with the nurse, I nervously waited for the doctor to come in. All I could focus on was my foot tapping nervously, and my heart beating rapidly. Finally, my doctor walked in and introduced herself. The next words out of her mouth made me cringe. Almost immediately after introducing herself she loudly proclaimed, “So you’re here to talk about your anxiety and depression?” I shrunk in embarrassment wondering if those in the hall, or the room next door, could hear her. In reality, she probably wasn’t speaking loud, but the shame I was experiencing internally sure was.
I gathered myself enough to explain my symptoms yet again. With an enormous amount of kindness and specificity, she explained to me that what I was experiencing wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, but a real mental illness that some individuals experience. More significantly, she confirmed that I could get help for what I had been struggling with for so long. I didn’t know how long the process would be, but I was ready to do what it takes. Her suggestion was Zoloft, which is an antidepressant. While I thought I was prepared for this possible resolution, the breakdown I had in my car afterwards told a different story. I drove about in circles crying, questioning how I have gotten to this point. Why couldn’t I beat this anxiety? Why couldn’t the multiple counselors I have seen be good enough? Why couldn’t those prayers that I so desperately prayed daily work? I felt as if taking this medication would be saying “I give up”.
But suddenly, I felt the Holy Spirit reject all those statements of shame and remind me that because I have resolved for better, my life was about to change for the better. So with my husband, I prayed over the medication and I began taking it. It wasn’t easy, as I still experienced days of shame and minor side effects, but each day got better, easier, and little lighter. While being on Zoloft, I noticed a multitude of changes such as having more grace for my husband, looking forward to caring for my daughter, wanting to be social, not feeling like I had to control my environment 24/7, and actually being able to experience a joy that I haven’t ever felt in my life.
More importantly, my relationship with God has changed for the better. You see, my anxiety stifled my relationship with God. My mind would tell me God was not pleased with me. My thoughts would replay every mistake I made no matter how much I repented. There was still shame in my heart that Jesus already paid for. Logically, I knew this isn’t who God is, but my thoughts couldn’t shake it. Now as I pray and I repent, I feel the peace and Grace of God that I’ve desperately desired for so long. I know I’m loved, and it’s a beautiful thing.
So why do I say all of this? I want to break the stigma that Christians shouldn’t take antidepressants, I want to show my readers that just because you are experiencing mental health issues doesn’t necessarily mean it’s because you aren’t praying enough. I want you to know that the challenges you are facing aren’t because of something you’re not doing. Mental illness is a disease, not a punishment because of your lack of faith in God. Please don’t allow judgement from others to stop you from getting the help you need. I relentlessly suffered for 10+ years of my life. So I encourage you, get the help you need. Whether that be counseling, medication, or just being open with someone you can trust. Resolve for better.
Jannetta Cox 